Emotionally Unavailable…what??

How can you consistently love someone who doesn’t know how they feel about you? Yes, they tell you how they feel about you? Yes, they tell you how they feel but showing you gets lost in translation or becomes too ambiguous to define.

Well welcome to my love life….

That dreaded question “so why are you single?” comes up and I’m unsure on how to answer….

*sigh*

Yes, I have dated some good guys who I have let go and I have dated some of the most ambiguous and unemotionally unavailable, commitment resistant men known to mankind. LOL.  You would think that after all of these experiences, I would get the hang of things but nope, not even close.

The real reason why I am single…..wait for it……….

I AM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE !!!!!!!!

It sounds a lot worse when written out but as much as the truth hurts, it was and IS needed. Moving to a city by myself with no close family and the comforts of real friends, I delved into unfamiliar territory. I have dated and I am still debating on whether to continue dating but there have only been two men who have caught my interest. My luck, they both are commitment resistant!

I have rekindled something with my college crush, he’s a great guy but he just got out of a serious relationship and I’m not sure if he’s even looking for something serious and to be honest with myself, I’m not sure either.  Despite all of this, I do know that there is one person who I truly want; funny enough he doesn’t want me in that way, well if he does, I can’t tell.

This is why I am single…because I can’t fully give my heart away. You would think the many times I have been hurt and humiliated by him, who I fondly will call C, that I would let it go but my heart and my mind are in constant disagreement. How can you love someone that bad and that hard that all you want to be with is them despite their actions telling you differently.

Realizing my pattern is the first step….now the hardest is breaking this cycle.  I am not gaining anything in the long run and it’s time to stop lying to myself and others regarding the matters of my heart. It’s true that the only person I can look out for is me and I need to take better care of me.

Love and validation is not going to come from anywhere else but from myself and it means much more than anything a man can give me.  This is all too confusing and overwhelming at times….well, no need to rush, I’m still young or at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.

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