In Love With Your Best friend, What Now?

“To fall in love with your best friend is a very scary thing.”- Rihanna

Ahh yes, love. We all want it but not all of us know what to do with it when it comes knocking on our door.

I have only been in love with one person and that person is the equivalent of my male best friend. We talk, laugh, have fun when we are together, annoys me when we are a part and knows things that are happening in my life. Who can complain about that?  But what happens when feelings get thrown in the mix? No one ever warns you about that.

It all happened for me when I graduated high school. He was a freshman in college and a popular one at that. I already heard about him even before I met him. When I did meet him I understood what the fuss was about. Handsome, check. Mysterious, yes. That was all I knew at the time and that was all I needed.

We became friends and grew to become more …long talks on the phone and college related stories prepped me for my first year in undergrad. I was so grateful to have a male friend who was as open and honest about his life and his experiences, it didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes.

As time went by, feelings started to get more intense, I was falling for my male best friend. How did I get there and how do I stop? Was that even what I wanted to do? Too many questions, not enough answers.  Riding an emotional rollercoaster that til this day I don’t know how to get off.

The turning point in our friendship happened my junior year of undergrad when we decided to give “us” a chance. Overtly excited that it was actually turning into reality, I told my closest friends and they were all excited for me. Summer of my junior year was going to be amazing. Countless hours and text messages later, I went back home to Texas only to get the devestating news that he could only be a friend to me…he was dating someone else.

Heartbroken and confused, I vowed never  give him a chance to hurt me like that again. The one guy who I talked too more than ever has now engraved his name on my “shit” list. After crying and explaining to my girl friends why I turned down the internship and was staying at home, it dawned on me that  no one told me that love and disappointment will ever feel like this.

“How did I become this vulnerable, this gullible, this stupid!” 

It took a long time for him to re-enter my life but I can’t lie and say that it wasn’t hard. It was one of the hardest things to do. If something funny or interesting happened I wanted to tell him about it but the constant reminder of the pain and embarrassment brought me back to reality.  Slowly but surely, we picked back up from where we left off.  It felt good to have my friend back.

I can truly call him my friend. He is one person that I am 100 % comfortable with . I can tell him everything that I am going through and not fear that he would run my name through the mud. Have I wished that we would be more than friends? I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t.

So why aren’t we together?

Well life wouldn’t be interesting if everything happens the way that we want it too. A lot of factors play in but I believe that the number one is fear.  Yes, fear. There is something that he knows that I don’t. I believe that if we were to date that it would become serious and lead to something more. Is he ready or able to handle that, no. Stalling is what he does best.  It is very hard to ignore something so blatant as that but he has somehow mastered that. Now, I am only speaking from my own interpretation so I may be completely wrong.

This summer would make it 6 years that I have had him in my life and through the good, bad and the ugly I wouldn’t trade him or this for the world.

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