Find My Own Way

Anyone who knows me knows that music plays a major role in my life. If I’m sad, angry,nervous, excited, etc. there is always a song that I can play that speaks directly to me or that situation. Last night I came across Sammie song, Own Way, and  it made me think of mom.

Moving to D.C. without any family has been a huge step for me. Even though I went out-of-state for college, this is completely different. In college, it took adjusting too but I made friends and created a new life; but here, I’m truly a small fish in a big pond. I talk to my mom everyday but she’s in Texas and my best friend lives in Chicago. My other friends are scattered everywhere but here and it gets lonely.

Sigh.

There are days when I just want to stay at home and just keep to myself and there are times that I crave to see my friends. I can’t laugh and joke with just anyone, well I can but it’s not the same. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some people who are fun but those are still friendships that I am establishing.

Through it all, my roomie and I have grown close. We are eager and excited to update each other on our lives and plan days to hang out and do things.  We both are new to the area and both of our families live in the same city. Becoming more involved in each other lives makes living together 1000 times better; not only is she my roomie but she is starting to become like a big sis to me. I always wanted to have an older sister, shoot I just wanted a sis and I’m glad that God has blessed me with sister-friends (hey yll!!) and my not so baby cousin to fill in the gaps.

I don’t know know what it is like to be a mom but I know my mom worries about me and rightly so. I am taking risks that some don’t do until much later, if that. I can’t lie, there are at times that I worry, and there are times where I have experienced sadness but there are times where I am extremely motivated and determined. I have never been one to take the easy route, if it’s too easy I am not interested. (Sounds like a guy mentality, right? Lol)

There have been times where I questioned my ability in my career field… was something I truly should be doing? It doesn’t help when I hear my mom’s frustration and concern when I tell her certain aspects of my career. I understand the importance of having a great job with financial flexibility, trust me I do, but there is something that gravitates me to this particular field that I chose to immerse myself in.

To know me is to know many things. I can’t be defined by one thing, I won’t let you. To some I’m known as this, to others I’m known as this and to the lucky and select few they get a glimpse of me in my entirety.

Listening to Sammie’s song made me realize that even though I’m in a big city and I’m literally feeling my way around this city, this is something that I have to do for me. As my roomie likes to say, “it’s time to put on my big girl pants and start living for me”. Even though I love my mom and I cherish everything that she tells me-whether I want to hear it or not-there will be times when I have to fall and dust myself off.

I asked God in 2011 to make my 2012 a memorable, exciting, successful and gratifying one but most importantly I asked for change. Be careful what you ask for because you would get it…and I  definitely got what I asked for…I got CHANGE.

It’s a scary feeling and predicament to be in. There were many sleepless nights, relentless hours re-packaging myself and lots of praying but with all of that change came. It wasn’t easy but it made me stronger, wiser and more thankful for the things that I have, the things that I want and the things that are yet to come.

Were at the crossroads, took me as far as as you can go.
Now its time for me to grow up and be a man  woman so.
Imma spread my wings and fly this dont mean that its goodbye.
But I gotta find, gotta find my own way now (please understand)

gotta find my own way now (im finally a man woman)
gotta find my own way now (i know its hurting you so)
gotta find my own way now (you gotta learn to let me go)

 And I know that its hard to let go
But its time that I shine and I know, that its this music that influenced me to keep on going fluently,
You don’t know what it do to me.
I love you mama but I gotta shine

You raised me right so I’m gonna fight the fight!

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