Suck My Cockiness….Lick My Persuasion

 

“Answer this one question: when you with that other dude, is you with a winner? He don’t do it like I do. If you say  I ain’t on your mind, when yll spending time…girl you telling lies, gon and testify. He don’t do the things I do. Girl you know he don’t hit it right, you living a lie..he don’t do the things I do.”- Trey Songz

Yes, we have all experienced the feelings of jealousy. If you disagree….well, then you are lying something serious. 

Someone asked me if I get jealous and I had to laugh because I thought that was an interesting way to start a conversation. Granted, he was a guy and was using this question to segway into a failed attempt at getting my number but I had to think about it. Looking back, I have been called heartless and unemotional by some guys while others have called me loving, caring and every other kind romantic word out there.

Depending on the guy and my emotions for him I could be a heartless, unappreciative bitch woman, or I could be really into you. It just depends on a butch of factors that I don’t control.

Just because you like me doesn’t mean that the feelings will be reciprocated. Sorry. 

I understand that I’m complicated and that I can get confused sometimes especially when it comes down to what I want. Hey, it’s the Gemini in me but I know for a certain if I care deeply for someone (which doesn’t happen too often) I get emotionally invested. When I get emotionally invested… man, there is no limit to where my heart can go.

Due to that…. I safeguard my heart.  

I had a huge crush on this guy….let’s call him ‘David’. You see, I met David at a college party and I wasn’t even interested in what he was trying to say. I was just trying to dance and enjoy myself. I didn’t care that this tall, handsome, athletic build of a guy was trying to get my attention. Unfortunately for me, I almost got trampled by a sea of guys who decided that strolling in the middle of a party was cool.  Out of nowhere, I felt someone grab my waist and lift me out the way; still confused, I hurriedly said thank you and kept it moving.  That wasn’t good enough for David.

For 15 minutes he tried to engage me in conversation and finally, I relented. Was he handsome, yes, but so what? There were a lot of attractive guys at my school but that to me doesn’t take precedence in my decision to speak with someone, but it surely does help. We talked and I could tell that I had the attention of some of the females who were vying to get his attention.

“This could get interesting”, I thought. 

We exchanged numbers and I went on my way. Minutes went by and I began dancing with some guy and all I could hear was excuse me. Not sure who that was coming from, I stepped aside and there he was. Man, this dude was persistent.  He told the guy that I was dancing with that I was his girl friend and he wanted to claim his spot.

Can we say cocky…..smh, but I was impressed and agitated at the same time.

The night ended and we spoke briefly. To be honest with you…. I was not impressed with him but he was definitely a looker, plus he went to another school, no harm in that.

However, our first conversation left me confused. Nothing wrong with a Southern guy but my goodness I felt like I was having a conversation with a freshman in high school. I quickly dismissed him and resumed to my regular schedule of class, class and more class.  Randomly, he decided that he was coming to my side of town for a party and we ended up linking up. I had forgotten how handsome this guy was; that night we talked all night and I stood corrected. Surprised at how foolish I was to dismiss him, we quickly became friends.

We started hanging out and talking  more…that is where I got introduced to his ex.  This girl was obsessed with him, he had a hold on her that even Jesus Christ himself could not shake. SMH. I didn’t know why but I quickly found out… LOL.  Let’s just say that I actually started falling for the kid. My friends would call me and where was I?  Heading up to his school, 30 minutes away. Whether he invited me to parties, couple dates, or one -on -one time, I was on my way over.

Yeah…it was getting out of hand. 

I started realizing that I was  getting  increasingly jealous every time we stepped out together. Who was this chick who was staring for too long? Did she know him? Were they sleeping together? My jealousy was borderline paranoia. Not wanting to come across as insecure and upset, I bottled a lot of things in. Let me tell you guys, that does NOT work. It all came out and before you know it him and I were no longer on great terms.

It was my senior year and instead of enjoying the  boat party with my graduating class, all I could think  of  was deciphering the text message that I was getting from him. All night I was analyzing, disecting and compiling my own list of great witty comebacks.

So sad. 

Looking back at it, I  just laugh now. At that time nothing was more  important than this. I had found myself totally immersed in the idea of this person and the jealousy that came with it was just the icing on the cake. I vowed to myself that I would never do that that again to myself but you know what they say when you say never…

3 years later, I found myself in the SAME situation and the outcome was a lot worse than when it happened intitally 3 years ago. I was definitely older but man did it hurt worst. It was all a lesson in life that I learned and trust me I have my  battle wound scars to remind me. From time to time, I revisit them just to gauge my head and my heart.

Jealousy is not a bad thing but it just depends on the type of person you are dealing with and the context of everything that surrounds that situation. There is nothing wrong with being cocky and knowing that you have something on lock but with people who are looking for a “good time” and are in it for themselves and their own personal gratification, I doubt that anyone has anything on lock unless their are some SERIOUS feelings involved.

*Sigh*

I miss college.

“It’s amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy”- Rupert Everett

Have you ever gotten jealous? If so, how did you handle it? What do you think about Trey Songz song? Ever felt that way?

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