Love Lost?

Fumbling, giggling, silly as ever I get like this after one too many, but right now I aint even  been drinking. He approached me and asked for a minute, which turned into five than turned to ten and right now don’t know how to say when. So can I get a refill, can I get a refill? Your  intoxicating my mind feeling like a conversational lush cuz I don’t know how much is TOO much. I feel like the girl at the bar who’s been lead to long, can’t stand up.- Elle Varner ‘Refill’

Wasn’t expecting to feel like this. It was just a trip to Dallas with my mom for a wedding, how I was to know that something would come out of it.

I’m going to be completely honest, the first time I met him, I was unsure. I was in Dallas for a wedding and I had no idea who the couple was or anyone else there at the reception. Not knowing anyone there but my mom, I decided to take matters into my own hands…I took my butt on the dance floor and shook what my mama gave me. Not giving a care, I laughed, twirled, two-stepped as my mom cheered me on. I was enjoying myself and it was great. Not too long from that, I heard a voice…unsure of who and where it was coming from, I didn’t pay any mind.  As I shuffled to and fro, he approached me and all I could look stare at were his eyes…something about them that made me pause.

He asked me to dance for him as he sprayed me money. Now, I know that sounds sexual but in the Nigerian culture it’s just what we do. I laughed and did my little twirl for him…he smiled.

That smile…my goodness.

I continued dancing and l could feel him watching me.  I finally had enough and sad down.  Wanting to know who this mystery guy was, I asked my mom if she knew him, she did. His older brother was the groom. Sweet. Watching his every move, he decided to chat with my mom. I couldn’t help but laugh at the confidence and wit he possessed. Was this dude really flirting with my mom??? I looked over at my mom and she was laughing, smiling and talking…oh wow, he had skills. To say that I wasn’t slightly impressed would be a huge lie…he had me.

But there was one thing that didn’t settle too well with me; he came across as a cocky, self-assured and bonafide flirt. Hmmm… where have I seen that before, oh yea, that’s right, I dated one of those. Was I intrigued, yes! His mouth piece was something else. I had to give it to him, he had game.

He captured my attention alright,  but instead of  amusing  in that, I sat back and watched him do his thing. Man, can he work a room. I saw him in his element…smiling, flirting, charming his way throughout the ballroom. Yeah, he screamed ladies man, but he wasn’t  finished with me yet. Once again, he had my mom laughing and it made me smile. I knew what he was doing but I wanted to see how far he would go to grasp my full attention while playing it “cool”.
“How old is he?”, I wondered. He had to be over 24 I thought, just look at the way he acted. When my mom told me that you were indeed younger,  slight disappointed crept up but that didn’t eradicate the some what amusement I had when I looked at him.
We exchanged numbers that night and was unsure if  he would even use it but the way he  stared me down, his eyes said it all. All that was left was to sit back and wait.
What an unexpected turn of events ….I went to a wedding and met someone. Interesting.
The first text came in. I was excited but I had to play it cool. After going back and forth, my mom told me that I was coming to his house. I didn’t know that our moms went back. Coming to Dallas was  definitely a good move on my part. I can’t believe that I almost missed this…missed meeting him.  I was low key excited and I could tell that he was too. The ride to his house had my nerves on 10. How would he be around me?  Would I still be attracted to him, what?  I called him up and told him that I was on my way, he sounded disinterested and I almost believed him until he opened the door.
Those eyes…
He opened the door and our eyes met. I knew everything else after that would be a pretense. I have to give it to him, he  had everyone else fooled.  I felt like I was in elementary school, not only was he cracking jokes on me  but he was being down right mean. Yet those eyes were staring intently into mines. I had joined him in a game that I had no rules for and I was slowly losing. Unfortunately, I had to leave. I wasn’t happy that I was heading back to Houston; I just met someone and now I had to go. This ALWAYS happen to me…so unfair.
Unsure if our new found friendship would continue, I secretly hoped for the best. I didn’t have to wait too long to find out, I got my wish. From that moment on,  he became a close friend to me.  While I was on the job hunt, he was there motivating and praying for me. When I felt lonely, he was there to cheer me up and keep me smiling throughout the day. I was so glad to have him in my life. Even though we were getting to know each other I felt comfortable talking with him, I felt safe. In an unknown city, he was the one constant thing that I had.
Then  boom…it was gone.
Anger was all I felt at first. I was crushed. My one close friend that I had besides my bestie was no longer. Who could I call at anytime and vent too? Who was going to make me laugh? Who was going to talk me to sleep? Who was I going to talk to who could speak my native language? Who was I going to shamelessly flirt with…got damn it, who?
I didn’t even realize how much I depended on those texts or convos to get me through the day. I didn’t know how much I would miss hearing his voice, but I couldn’t dwell on the past, I had to move forward…and move on I did.
Not letting the recent events of my life deter me from having from, I started to branch out and date. I met some interesting  guys but there was something lacking but hey, I’m having fun, right?  I started working and I was glad that I had something to preoccupy my time.  Moving into my apartment was what I needed to make me forget him, but a part of me wanted to call yet my pride wouldn’t let me.
Things were going great for me and slowly but surely he became an obscure thought. I started a new chapter in my life and I was ready for what was next. One night my roomie and I were having one of  our talks and it happened to be on relationships and dating. As we reminsiced on the guys that weren’t,  I told her about him. I was awaiting a reaction from her but all I got was a question.
Why don’t you reach out to him and say hi, Jen? Be the bigger person.
Nah, not necessary…not needed I told myself.  My pride wouldn’t let me succumb to that.
Months went by and there he was…staring at me with those eyes of his, beckoning me to reach out and speak. Ughh…should I be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones? But how does one accomplish that when they are burdening resentment and unanswered questions?  What happens if he doesn’t respond, would that be a second diss?
Shoot, let’s find out.
I did. He responded. What next?
So many unanswered questions, so many unresolved feelings. That night I wasn’t expecting  a two hour conversation but so many things were being said/admitted. As the conversation went on I was slowly starting to feel better.  I was unsure if we were gonna speak again but the hard part was over or was it?
We’ve kept in touch and every day feels like the past. A part of me is skeptical while the other part is slowly turning around and embracing him. He was my friend and friend he remains…I missed what we had and I’m glad to have some sort of it back. He feels the gap when others go missing. It’s interesting to see who cares about you, one thing that I give him was that he was consistent with his communication. He knew what was happening in my life…you know what friends do. I didn’t have to beg or scold for not being a friend, he was on it.
But what do you do when your  mind drifts off and thinks about someone?  What do I do when I find myself praying for him more than I pray for myself. What do I do when CNN breaks a story about tornadoes in Dallas and my heart jumps and I instinctively think about him…what? Most of my friends would tell me to keep my mouth shut about how I feel but I’m not my friends, I’m me and  real is all I can be.
I can’t answer these questions yet and my mind hasn’t fully analyzed it yet. A part of me doesn’t even want to do that. Now if he decide to disappear again and pull houdini acts…well, than lesson learned I guess. I’m not saying that I want to have his babies but I have a feeling that I can’t explain.
Have you ever had someone that you cared for return back in your life? How did you handle it? Would you still pursue them if they were interested? Why or why not?
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