So cry if you need too but I can’t stay to watch you, it’s the wrong thing to do. Touch if you need to but I can’t stay to hold you, it’s the wrong thing to do. Talk if you need to but I can’t stay to hear you, it’s the wrong thing to do. Cuz you’ll say you love me and I’ll end up lying and I’ll say it too… but I need something different, you know it! – Drake
I love that I am always learning and growing and I pray that never stops.
Last night, I had quite a bit of time to analyze and think about things I experienced so far this year. After watching the fireworks last night, (Happy 4th everyone!) I was lost in the oohs and awws of the show but internally my heart was glowing. I know exactly where I was the same time last year and how restless and in tourmoil my heart was. I put on a brave face but inside I was sad. However, this year, I’m beaming!
Dropping people and situations that aren’t fruitful have come with the territory. When you realize that things and people no longer fit into your big picture it is a burst of fresh air. Having to explain why I no longer contact or text someone can be annoying but it is a small price that I’ll have to pay. Realizing that I’m no longer looking for stagnent people and situations to break my stream of progress is GROWTH.
Something that I have been struggling with for awhile is vulnerability. What an emotion! It is a feeling that I have difficulty embracing, yet it’s something I desire to share with someone. I hardly discuss matters of the heart with people who aren’t close to me, but lately people have been seeing a change in me.
The change that people are seeing, I believe, is a mixture of many things. God has been continuously faithful and patient with me. I have the love of family and friends supporting me and career wise, I’m moving in a direction that has endless opportunities. My personal life is slowly blooming and I love the pace; it reminds me of a garden. Gardening requies patience, detail and attention. There are things required before you can see the fruit of your labor, but once whatever you planted blooms….ahh the sight is a marvel and a testiment of what hard work, patience, detail and love can manifest.
I am the happiest I’ve been in a long time and I pray that it continues.
When I think about my future and where I see myself a couple months down the line…I’m inspired, invigorated but most importantly, confident. The beginning of this year was BEYOND trying and to see where I am now only a few months after is a testiment that things can CHANGE, if you want them too.
My birthday was a pennacle mark for me. It allowed me to see things in a whole new perspective. Many people that started with me on this journey will not be there at the end or even by my side as I go through it and I am perfectly fine with that. Am I cold, calculating, spiteful and add whatever word you wish…NO. I decided that I will LIVE for me and do and be with someone who makes me HAPPY.
No longer do I care what people think or even what they want; call me selfish but sometimes you have to be.
Dating in this city has also shown me a lot of things about people even the ones that I knew or had “history’ with. I’m so glad that I’ve experienced those opportunties whether they were fruitful or not. It prepared me to open myself up and meet someone who I vibe with. Yes, it is still relatively early and yes, I’m in a phase of getting to know this person but I haven’t felt this way in a very long time.
Is it scary? Hell Yea. Vulnerability is not my strong suit.
Opening yourself up after countless disappointments and hurt is difficult but with the right person it’s effortless. The firework show symbolized that for me. Even in the dark and uncertainity, something and someone can come into your life and shine some brightness that causes you to sit up and pay attention.
So I have decided to journal this experience and this feeling for myself…call it a bit of a social experiment with my heart. With everything that I do or committ too I want to give it my all. I have left the baggage and people at the wayside, they will no longer be a mental or emotional weight that I carry.
I want to experience this feeling in it’s purest form.
I needed something different, I needed a change and I think I’ve found it. Funny thing is, be careful what you ask God, he might just give it to you. Before 2012 was over, I asked God that 2013 will be a year of change for me in ALL aspects of my life. Who knew that my job would be the first thing to go! When that happened to me, panic set in but there was a reassuring peace that took over. Not too long after that, I had to find a new place to stay. Funny how things worked in my favor…it allowed me to move right into the city, where I wanted to be from the get go. What a mighty and faithful God. When that was done, he started dealing with my love life. What a struggle that was…. Lord knows!
When I finally confided in my bestie what I TRULY wanted it, she spoke life into someone that I didn’t know would come. Of course, I listened and took it for what it was. We didn’t know who this mystery guy would be but we knew one thing…we knew what we didn’t want him to be.
Unbeknownst to me, what my friend spoke would soon come into fruition. People and situations started to crumble and fall. Was I slightly disappointed? I would be lying if I said no. Looking back at it, those guys posessed certain qualities that I was attracted too but I wasn’t attracted to them in the way that I genuinely wanted it to be.
I took a break for awhile and allowed myself to focus on things other than my love life. I laughed, I went out, I smiled, I partied…I enjoyed it, I enjoyed ME. Something was brewing in the background but this was the first time that I wasn’t analyzing, hoping, over-thinking. I was nonachalant.
What my bestie confided in me seems to be coming true…now because it is fairly new, I will not divulge too much but let’s just say that I haven’t felt this way in quite some time.
If you want to captivate my heart, you first have to captivate my mind.
Farewell past. Goodbye broken hearts, dreams, visions and hello to the new, determined, excited, enthusastic, VULNERABLE me.
“I feel like if I jump down this rabbit hole with you Jen, you’ll follow… To be frank, I love that…”