What Do You Do When He Pulls Away??

Nothing is more exciting than a promising first date. You know what I mean-the butterflies, the great conversation and maybe if you’re lucky, a good night kiss. Yet, these things don’t necessarily mean that a relationship will grow into something promising.

Example– a girl friend of mine has been seeing this great guy; every date has left her wanting more. Phone call after phone call she will reiterate every moment of her dates. I heard so much about this guy and saw the effects that he had on her, that I was really pulling for them. It was about time that my friend found someone who made her happy-even it was temporary. Seeing her smile every time we met up for lunch made me happy…she found her someone special.

*Sigh*

Weeks went by and that smile I had come to enjoy started to fade as fear and anxiety replaced it. Sadly without any warning, their dates had become less frequent and the communication that she once praised for being consistent, had come to a swift halt.

“Jennifer…..WTF! I don’t get it…I don’t understand why he’s doing this?

Calm down. What the hell is wrong?

Remember that guy I was telling you about?

Yea…how can I forget it. (laughs)

Well, I haven’t heard from him or seen him in weeks now.

(awkward lag)

But I thought everything was going good…

I thought so too….what kind of sh-t is that?! I mean, if you’re not feeling me anymore     fuc-ing tell me, I’m a big girl! This is some sh-t.

Damn hun, I’m sorry. I don’t get it either…

Ahhh the good ol fade away.

Left speechless and in my feelings, I was saddened to hear what happened with my friend. I was so emotionally invested in this that I literally felt her pain and disappointment. All I could think of was why? Why would he pursue her, make her feel comfortable and pull a Casper?

Broken-hearted she is left playing detective with fragmented pieces of her heart. Every text and email leaves her analyzing every sentence until she tries to  find some solace in it all.

Tough.

So why do men pull away? Hell if I know. I do believe it is the shittiest and cowardly thing to do. I will not go into a full-blown male bash because I have been the victim and perpetrator as well. I recently pulled the fade away on someone who I know I didn’t like for the longest.  I liked going out with the person as something to do (sorry) but I knew that romantically, it would NEVER work.

So instead of voicing my opinions due to fear and not wanting to come across as a bit-h, I pulled the gradual fade away and the oh so ever “busy” card. I was relentless and mean; I did not think of or cared how my actions was going to effect this person. Downright, I was selfish in my thoughts and actions.

When I finally was brave enough to face him, I told him how I felt and the reaction that I got was a very mild thank you at best. Here I was bracing for questions that I know I couldn’t or maybe wouldn’t answer and stares that would haunt me for at least a week. Yet, all I got was “thank you.”

Hmmmm….

After I finally let out a sigh of relief,  I couldn’t stop  laughing at myself for thinking that it was going to turn into a bad Tyler Perry play.  His response may have masked his true emotions, I get that but somehow I wanted him to act out and tell me how bad of a person I was. Why? Not totally sure, maybe to calm my conscience. Keeping him in limbo and playing with his emotions while wasting his time must have done more to him in those final weeks than my final confession.

Being chastised for honesty is one of the biggest reasons men  and women mature or otherwise – simply do not want to be honest. It’s just easier to delay the inevitable chastising in any or all of its various forms by 1) lying or 2) not say anything at all. Now a truly mature man/woman would be honest, get to point, tell it like it is, or the way he/she perceives it anyway, and then simply allow the person to rain their verbal nastiness  until they had their say.

Well, how do you know if the person of interest is pulling away? Here are the top three signs!

Top Three Signs Your Guy is Pulling Away

1. You date once a week for a week or two, then perhaps twice a week, and then have that ONE amazing, knock’m dead date that simply blows you away. Then, he begins to disappear. He doesn’t call for three—four days, and then, perhaps, sends merely a text telling you he is “crazy, busy.” It’s often the “knock’m dead” date that causes a man to evaluate whether or not he is up to pursuing the feelings he experienced between both of you on that particular date. He might think it was REALLY good, that you are AWESOME, and have it together. And then, he may begin to wonder if he is really ready to be the man YOU deserve. If not, he will, in fact, begin to pull away. The man who is emotionally mature will ultimately have the conversation with you, while the less mature man could simply fade away slowly. Either way, it’s important to know that if he isn’t ready for what you want, there is nothing you could do (or should you try) to “change” him.

2. He stops mentioning plans of the future, or becomes vague about his immediate future plans (weekend, next month or next summer). When your guy used to talk about meeting his sister, or mentioning the fact that he would love to show you wine country one day, and becomes increasingly vague in regards to “future talk,” he may be unsure whether or not you are well-matched, or as discussed above, he is ready for a long-term relationship.

3. He severely slows down his communication with you over a long period of time (e.g, over a one to two-week period) and makes excuses, even when you refrain from verbalizing your concern, or send “miss you” texts etc. Note that this is only pertinent if he has been consistently communicating with you daily and you then find that communication comes close to a grinding halt.

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/22065/112677-do-begins-pull-away#ixzz22E6hlkJd

So what happens to my friend? Does she forget that this person walked in and rocked her world and just left her there standing with a stupid expression on her face? Does she just act like this was a little blimp in the road for love? I mean they weren’t official but they were heading that way…or so she thought.

See I Know We Not Official (No)
But Us Being Official Ain’t Never Been An Issue (No)
It Came Down To Us
Boy Remember We Were Different
We Said That We’d Talk
If We Ever Had Problems About Anything
I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait)
Let Me Take That Back
It Was You, So I Was With It (See)
Guess I Didn’t Get It
When You Showed You Didn’t Miss It
Now It Seems That Your Interest Ain’t Here
And We Ain’t The Same- Destiny’s Child

I can assume that we all hate the fade away; it’s completely gutless. I would rather have the quick pain of a sudden rejection than the slow burn of the fade; I don’t mind his obvious uninterest but I do mind the waste of my time…

If you’re old enough to date, you’re old enough to say, ‘I’m not interested.’ Whatever their reasons are, they can keep them to themselves. But if someone doesn’t call, I’m left in this void that leaves me open to too much speculation. I become more self-critical.- Bryan

People don’t care. It’s a huge problem, especially in this city. It’s so bad that I’m actually waiting for a fadeaway right now. I’ve been on five dates with this guy, and I’m starting to feel like I’m never going to hear from him again. That would be awful, but I’m starting to expect it because it’s happened so often.- Meghan

You can be assertive when you want to sleep with someone.  You can be assertive when it comes to your do’s and don’ts in a significant other, but when it comes to giving that person respect we back out like chickens. After going through my own, I will not hesitate to tell someone, tactfully of course, that I am not interested. Sparing the person the stress and unnecessary energy on trying to figure out what went wrong is the best gift you can do for them, especially when they can find someone who would appreciate them the way you couldn’t.

 I dated this guy who said things like ‘It would be so much fun to take a road trip together.’ We went out four or five times, and then he never showed up to this party I invited him to . . . If men knew how bananas it drove us, they wouldn’t just cut off contact. It’s like that Glenn Close line: ‘I will not be ignored.’- A.

Pain can make you want to love no more. So ladies and gents who are out there dating and in a relationship keep it 100%. If you are no longer feeling the person or interested in the relationship….SPEAK UP! Don’t let it get to the point where you feeling like drifting away or pulling a Casper is an effective way of getting out. Let me tell you something, IT’S NOT!

Have you ever faded away from someone? Or been a recipient of one? How did you handle it and how did you feel? Any advice to my friend? Why do people continue to sell dreams that they know they can’t live up too?

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8 thoughts on “What Do You Do When He Pulls Away??

  1. Well, I was left fading by a fade away. ‘orrible feelin’, the lies and masks put on. but you know that you have to be truthful to yourself, to put the colour and smiles back on yourself once again =)

  2. Yeah, it’s not a great feeling. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and will leave you no doubt, until then, making YOU happy is the best feeling you can give yourself. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. It’s so funny because I just re-entered the dating scene again recently after my most recent break-up & I completely forgot about all the annoyances that come along with dating, including this one. Or should I say, ESPECIALLY this one! I’ve been googling around just to see what others have to say about it, which is how I stumbled upon your blog. It truly is one of the most frustrating things to deal with in the dating scene! However, when I decided to re-enter the dating scene again, I chose to do it in a way that doesn’t stress me out. So that when these disappearing (and subsequently, as is usually the case, reappearing) acts happen, I take them more in stride now & just accept them for what they are. Reading others’ experiences makes me feel so much better & no longer makes me think that there’s something inherently wrong with me that this keeps happening over & over again to me! I now know that it’s something that just commonly, albeit unfortunately, happens in the dating world. And most importantly, that IT’S NOT ME! But although I now accept these disappearing acts for what they are, that doesn’t mean I’m not still bitter about this nonsense, inspiring me to write about it. So I encourage you to check out my latest blog, “Gone Without A Trace”. Based on this blog of yours, I’m sure you’ll be able to appreciate it! 😉

    1. Thanks for reading and I definitely understand your frustration! When I was single, I had plenty of interesting and fun dates but nothing hurts more than thinking you are making a connection with someone and they diesapper. That is the most cowardly act that can happen BUT everything happens for a reason and you don’t want a guy like that. The dating stage is all about unfolding a person’s character. In the begining, it’s all representatives that show up. People put in the effort and the time to get to know someone but when they reach a point of comfortability or they are not getting what they want (sex) fast enough, then there true color shows! Hold your head up and know that it was HIS LOSS and had NOTHING to do with you as a person. I read your blog and it was a great read and we ALL deserve more than disappearing acts and crumbs to get and hold our attention.

      Take care! x

      1. btw, just wanted to add that I noticed the latest disappearing act dude changed his online dating profile pic to one I had taken of him on one of our recent dates. LOL, can you believe that?! smh

      2. WOWWW!!! Some people have guts! No need to deal with someone who is painfully making it obvious how much of an arse he is. Good riddance. Funny thing about it is that they don’t see themselves doing anything wrong.

  4. Also, judging on your profile pic, you are a pretty girl! Remember, there will be a guy who will like you and prove to you that he belongs in your world. Trust me since the start of my blog I was single and navigating the dating world…it wasn’t until the end of 2012 that I found the guy that I now call a boyfriend. And all the frustration, laughs, dates and heartaches was worth it.

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