My Heart Keeps Telling Me to Stop…So Sick!

sad girl

I could see it in her eyes… she was tired. Tired of the bs, the lies and the sleepless nights. 

Sick…when you take him back every time cause the love is so amazing. It makes you so sick, when it makes you go and compromise every thing you said the night before that you wouldn’t do…sick. When you love him more than you love yourself, you can’t let go cause you just can’t help it, cause the only thing left to do is cry because deep inside it makes you so sick! – Brandy ‘So Sick

I’ve been that girl. You know her…totally (and way more) into a guy who only shows half interest ( if that) of attention and emotions; definitely not a roller-coaster you want to be trapped on, let alone ride.

For me, like most, I had to go through it before I learned my lesson. Nothing like feeling hurt, disappointed and rejected to gain the clarity and insight that you need to move on. Here I was drowning in a sea of infatuation only to realize that my emotions and expectations were severely managed down.

It wasn’t like I was making these feelings up on my own. No, I was heavily pursued, ‘caught’ and once I had fallen, the interest wore off very quickly. The summer that impacted me, (in so many ways) got increasingly worse as the days went by. I was entangled in an emotional web that I couldn’t nor wouldn’t free myself from. If I could only be more helpful, more understanding, less argumentative opinionated, maybe he can go back to the earlier days.

Smh.

For months I willed my BBM to ping with a message from him. Countless hours were spent wracking my brain on how to make ‘us’ work. Sad part was that I didn’t share this with anyone. It was my secret that was eating me alive. I finally woke up and smelled the roses-it wasn’t pretty. Months I wasted thinking, analyzing and holding unto someone who wanted to be free was draining.

So what do I tell my friend? How do I tell her to let go and treat herself with love and respect? How can she leave these crumbs and find someone who genuinely shows her through actions that he loves her?

The pain in her voice was evident and all I could do was console her-yet again. What do you do when you care about someone yet the feelings and values are no longer aligning with yours?

I could hear her justify why she was still with him. Time, circumstance, situations, boredom, moving on? Excuses.

I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news (not like she couldn’t interpret his actions) but I wanted her to end this toxic cycle. She wasn’t benefiting from this situation and the deeper her heart grew to find a connection, the more emotionally uncontrollable she got.

No longer putting herself first, she became obsessed with him. From Facebook, Twitter to Instagram she had him on virtual surveillance.

Exhausting.

I understood her… not quite to that level but I was smitten by someone who was half-heartily interested. There was nothing that I wouldn’t have done and fortunately, that was taken advantage BUT boy did I learn.

He was the kind of guy that every girl lusted for. Height, check. Smile, check. Confidence, check. How could I be so wise but so foolish?

Oh deceitful, heart you…

But it wasn’t my heart or my head; it was my stubbornness to hold onto something that was clearly over.

When you really love someone you can wait? But what happens when that love is one-sided? Love is a strong word but when the heart feels that, there is no turning back.

My friend could understand my plight but unfortunately, she wasn’t ready to give up on what she had. No one wants to feel that there time, effort, or love was in vain. However, when you realize that the person you are giving your heart to is not returning the gesture it’s time to move on!

Easier said than done…. I know.

Funny way the ego works. When you are fighting to win something or someone, it  no longer becomes about that person…it’s the ego that fuels your motivation. No one wants to be rejected, even by someone they don’t  like, let alone someone they are in love with.

Learning how to move on is the hard part, I GET that. Just remember LOVING and VALUING your self is more important!!

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