There are so many things that I want to share with you guys at the moment but I will soon…PROMISE! I’ve been super happy lately and sometimes I just want to yell from the mountain top about every (positive) change that has occurred thus far, but I will hold back for now.
2012 was a roller coaster ride for me and my focus was just to survive.
When it came to love and relationships I was nowhere close. Hell, I didn’t even know what those two words meant anymore. (Sad) I had guys that were way too interested in me and others who knew how to keep me on the “fence”. There were moments that I had no interest in being pursued and then times were I wanted to be “chose”. Yet, I found myself constantly disappointing myself or someone else.
I wasn’t particularly happy with how things were rounding out and I remember having a conversation with my sister-friend about the lack of direction my love life was heading. Was I having fun going out on dates? Definitely. Who doesn’t like getting dressed and exchanging witty banter with a cute guy over drinks?? Exactly.
Even with my countless dates, I was not satisfied. I could no longer lie, downplay or sabotage myself for any longer. On the surface, I was in control and new exactly what I wanted but deep down inside, I was scared. How was someone going to penetrate this wall that I had built? Did I even know what I wanted and more importantly, was I ready? There was one person who I couldn’t stop thinking about, our conversations kept me engaged and I looked forward to them but there were things unforeseen to me at the time that were brewing in the background.
Love was going to come, I knew that much. How, when and with whom was unknown to me. I thought I had it all figured out at 21 but Lord knows that was a joke. One thing that was for sure, was I had to break down my wall. I had to allow myself to FEEL something for someone and not on a superficial level either.
What would happen? Am I setting myself up for failure and disappointment again? I knew this merry-go-round all too well. Shoot, I was actually mastering the craft of the “getting to know you” phase, it was quite funny (and sad) if you dwell on it.
To be honest…I was scared. I was nervous. I was confused. However, I was READY. So I wrote it all down. Everything that I went through and everything that I wanted in a significant other. It took me 5 hours and I needed lot of patience on my part. I could no longer hide from myself. I could no longer deny myself to be truly happy while I entertained part-time and short-term behavior.
When you find that one person who is willing to take that plunge with you emotionally, mentally and physically it can be overwhelming and scary. (Trust me!) There were moments that I questioned EVERYTHING… I could talk myself out of something or someone so quickly that I knew the signs before it even arose. However, things with him were different.
As 2012 was rounding out, him and I were steadily building something but at that time, I had no clue that we would be here in 2013 and that I would be happy…glowing in fact (depends on who you ask). There were many sleepless nights, I just pondered what was his deal? What did he want? To be honest and frank- I didn’t trust him. Not a surprise, I didn’t really trust a lot of people (still don’t). I wanted too but my guard was up and my history proved that I had every reason to keep that wall up, for as long as I needed it.
This time around though, I knew that it was different. It felt different but I kept denying it. Days went by, then weeks and I couldn’t deny it anymore, well at least to myself. No way was I going to tell him that he was affecting me! I couldn’t allow him to see me vulnerable…no one was EVER going to take me back that route again. So, I was cold or rather lukewarm at his advances. He was trying and each day, he was slowly chipping away…but each day, I was grasping for something, anything to keep him at bay.
Fortunately, that feeling subsided and I found myself anticipating his texts and our conversations. Each day, I got to experience and share my world with someone who I was falling for and who I could call friend. I don’t want to bore you with the particular and the sappy stories but with him, these months have gone pretty quickly. 2012 started a friendship and 2013 has budded something much more than I imagined.
When you find someone who betters you, who pushes you, who cares about you and wants best for you, than you have found something good. It took me a long time to get to this point, and I’ve had my share of fair-weathered, fickle, selfish, “relationshits” but all those experiences have lead me to him and there is no one I would rather be with.