It’s me again. I know you weren’t expecting to hear from me after I callously written you off but interestingly enough, you found a way to creep back into my life. At first it started of with seeing love all around me; I could feel it in the air. An intoxicating aroma that plagued my thoughts day in and day out. I didn’t know how to feel-should I embrace it or let it go? Of course, I did the complete opposite of what I truly wanted.
I played the field and boy did I learn!
I had fun, don’t get me wrong. Who doesn’t love knowing that they had something to do EVERY weekend on someone else’s dime? That might sound a bit harsh but I was single, young and had no worries in the world. Dates after dates, I had met quite a few interesting guys a long the way; unfortunately, a lot of them didn’t catch my attention that way that these two guys did. In a haystack of confusion, anxiety and boredom, I thought I had found something…FINALLY.
Well, I was utterly wrong. Once again disappointed in the situation (but more importantly myself) I declared an alright war on love. Deep down inside I knew I wanted the fairy tale romance but life kept telling me that it wasn’t real well in this case, at least for me.
Love- I commend you for not giving up on me even though I gave up on you. There was one pivotal moment that changed everything and for that I’m thankful. (Too personal to share on here guys but just know that it took a lot of maturity on my end)
“After all the boys that I thought I loved before, didn’t know what love was till you knocked on my door. After all the boys I wished had loved me more, didn’t know what love was- never had this before. Until you loved me, loved me, loved me…”- Keri Hilson ‘All the Boys’
It’s pretty hard for me to share this letter. Actually, I’ve had this letter sitting in my draft box for a week now. Not because what I’m feeling is false or a bit presumptuous but it’s the fact that I’ve never felt like this before about anyone. When you think about falling in love with someone, you never really consider how deeply attached you can get.
My defense mechanism over time was mastered!
I was aloof, cold, numb and highly selfish. After being taken advantage of by people you consider your closet friend or someone you think you’re in love with, it leaves you wary of people’s intentions. The only gift that previous disappointments have left me with, is to follow my gut/instincts EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I know the type of person I can be for my loved ones, I get it from my mom. That woman cares about EVERYONE and always wants them to do well. She could have met someone briefly but that doesn’t stop her from inquiring on their well being. Even though it can get quite annoying, (especially if this person and I are no longer speaking) her heart is SO big.
When my heart began to open up and I started caring about him a bit more than anyone else, I knew that I have found someone special. Openly admitting my feelings took a lot!! Funny thing is, I had a close friend tell me that she admired how open and honest I am about my emotions and I had to laugh. It wasn’t my doing that allowed me to be vocal about how I felt… it was him. It was the trust that we had in each other to be vulnerable, it was consistency in the development of our friendship and it was time that was spent getting to know one another.
So with that- love I thank you! Thank you for bringing someone into my life when I least expected it. More than anything thank you for sending me a friend. Now only time will tell how things continue to manifest and I know it’s not all lovey-dovey and I don’t want it to be (realist in me); but for what its worth I am glad to have experienced this feeling that I’ve only witnessed in the movies.