You log on to Facebook like you normally do and there it is…the little red number notifying you of your messages. You respond to all of them but one. It’s her, again. Pondering your next step, do you: a. reply back b. ignore c. dive in and don’t look back?
*waiting for honest response* 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,4, 3….2…..1
” …Because everyone you and your partner have ever known, thought about, wanted to know, slept with or thought about sleeping with, from your high school boyfriend to the chick he worked with for one month at the library junior year, is right there online now in a virtual library of people for you to reconnect with, get to know or avoid sleeping with.”- Jezbel
Isn’t it crazy knowing that someone might be sending your significant other inappropriate, disrespectful messages that you can’t visibly see? Highly frustrating, check. Annoying, check. Severe bouts of suspicion, double check. So what’s your game plan? Do you act like it doesn’t exist? Put on a brave face every time they check their phone? Facebook stalk the perpetrators wall and pictures comparing yourself to them?
No, ladies and gents; you get to the root cause. Your partner.
Relationships are already difficult at times. No longer are you thinking of self (well that is how it’s supposed to be) but someone else’s feelings. It can be difficult, and at times a bit overwhelming but moments like this test your relationship.
I use to think that Facebook was the Devil, however, the blame doesn’t lie with social media. Back in the day (90’s for me), if you wanted someone to get in touch with you they had your landline (home) number. Now, with many social media vehicles such as: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, etc., people are more accessible than ever. What people don’t realize is that social media is only a platform, it does not allow your partner to disrespect your relationship and jeopardize your trust. Only that person has the power to decide how to respond.
Facebook is so transparent and so contrived, and yet, just enough out of your control, with how other people can constantly attempt to pop in and out of your life in the form of friend requests, comments, likes, shares, too much flirtation, etc., and it’s a veritable landmine of opportunities to fuck it up. If you’re in a relationship, something, somewhere on Facebook has happened that has sparked an unpleasant discussion, or worse.”- Jezbel
So what do you do when your significant other receives a message that if you saw would leave you furious??
Well, unfortunately, you can’t control that! Not everyone who disguises themselves as a “friend” actually has good intentions. I’ve personally learned that myself, I get it. The feelings of anger,distrust, confusion and whatever else can set in but you can’t allow those feelings to override your logic.
There should be three main components in any healthy relationship: HONESTY, TRUST and RESPECT.
If I asked you if you trust your partner, what would you say? Would you answer quickly, or would there be a 5 second pause? Generic answers can be left at the bullshit door. It’s difficult trusting someone, especially if you have or are dealing with trust issues. To be quite honest, I’m still a work in progress but I have had in-depth conversations with my partner and we know where we stand . Unfortunately, sometimes that is not enough. If your significant other can’t leave their phone unlocked or Facebook page open without fearing that you might find something damaging, there are issues that need to be addressed. However, the blame doesn’t stop there. Trust just as communication is a two-way street. Are your own fears, insecurities feeding into a paranoia that will end your relationship?
Think long and hard before you answer.
“I don’t think I can take another broken promise. Why do things the hard way when you can just be honest? You talk a good game…I really want to believe you.”- Kelly Rowland ‘Talk A Good Game‘
What about honesty? Do they follow through on their words but more importantly their actions? Can you believe them when they say that they aren’t doing anything detrimental to the relationship or to hurt you? Is that person really just a “friend” because we all know that with certain people, ‘friend’ can be very loaded. Welcome to the world of Flirtationship- more than a friendship, less than a relationship.
This person could be someone your significant other finds attractive, someone that may like them (usually they are in denial to you about it…maybe even themselves), someone who only uses their “friend card” to get one foot in the door just in case the relationship doesn’t last. Whatever it is, there is someone that may be lurking around or someone that intrigues your partner physically, hopefully not emotionally. Funny thing is, if the same person were in a relationship and dealt with someone who was trying to mess with their relationship, I’m pretty sure a bout of amnesia will occur regarding their past behavior.
Last but certainly not least, respect. You partner should respect your feelings and respect your relationship. Clear boundaries should be defined with people outside of your relationship when it makes your partner feel comfortable. Yeah, you may have known this person prior to meeting your boo, but what is the purpose of keeping a friend who doesn’t respect your relationship? Is that person even genuinely a friend? Associates, friends, online pals, all those should not take precedence over your partner. It’s just common courtesy. Sometimes we can be selfish, egotistical, lonely, angry, and whatever other emotion that has us seeking outside attention; but let’s be clear, that feeling is temporary. When you love someone, you can never duplicate that feeling, what you can duplicate though is lust (a very temporary emotion).
“I don’t care, I don’t share, no not with anyone. Here me clear when I say, I will only be number one. No i won’t ever settle, no compromise…not even a little.”- Kelly Rowland ‘#1’
I wish I had all the answers and I wish that we can control other peoples decision-making skills when it comes to the opposite sex, but unfortunately, we can’t. You have to allow your partner to make the right decisions. It may hurt, especially when the response is not what you expected but it can be worked out. Do I believe that social media ruin relationships? No. It does however foster a platform for one to blur the lines between friendship and more.
It takes a lot to see these things and handle them accordingly. It’s not easy, sometimes you’ll have to let people go to save your relationship, which is the most important thing.
“I don’t want to see myself play the fool for you, I prefer you keep it real with me.”- Kelly Rowland ‘Talk A Good Game’