“My problems had me bound, depression weighed me down but God held me close so I wouldn’t let go. God’s mercy kept me so I wouldn’t let go.”- Kurt Carr
Have you ever felt like giving up? Like throwing in the towel, crawling into bed and sleeping it away?
I’ve been there several times but if it weren’t for God, the encouraging prayers of my mother, the solace I find in venting to my boyfriend and my unwillingness to give up when plans and situations fall through, I would be telling another story.
To be frank, I know myself really well. I know why I do the things that I do even if denial is the first thing that utter my lips. When placed in stressful situations I always REACT. I can be very controlling and if it doesn’t make sense to you, I usually don’t have the patience to explain it. My attitude shifts and I can be condescending and brutally honest. In actuality, all I wan to do is cry and complain, but my issues don’t allow me to do that. My anger gets misplaced and when someone doesn’t comfort me the way I want, unbeknownst to them, I can be a complete ass.
I try to do my best and be my best but when I feel trapped in a situation, it’s hard to see that everyone around me wants the best for me. Instead, I’m focused on what happened; my pain and disappointment immerses me, my pain wants to destroy my confidence and at times I let it….quietly. Out of earshot of anyone I sulk, I write and I let the tears fall.
Slowly at first…
My pride won’t allow me to cry, not this time- not again. , my heart says,”let go, release…you have the confirmation to finally be free.”
I remember I was having a conversation with the boyfriend when I got off work. It was an already long day for the both of us but we wanted to see each other. Loving someone who is far away sucks, loving someone after a stressful week and the only way you can see them is through a computer screen is even more annoying. Everything was going well until we broached a topic that caused some tension. The subject of the topic is not the main focus, however how I handled myself and the aftereffects plagued my mind.
That night was filled with anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety and undercurrent of the unknown. Was this the conversation that was going to determine if we would be together or not?
Extreme, yes but that was my feelings. I was stressed and this conversation wasn’t helping.
What was the real issue? One minute we’re laughing, joking around and BOOM, just like that we’re squaring off with one another. This is my best friend and yet I couldn’t tell him that I was scared. Scared at the possibility that our plans for the future would no longer be fulfilled. That I had let my mom down and myself down. Maybe I was fantasizing about this career that has been placed in my heart for years. Why couldn’t anyone see the vision that I had for my life? Why won’t the universe let me be great???
All of this compounded and turned a pleasant conversation sour and it was all due to my lack of communication, my decision to not open up and discuss how I was feeling and bottling up my anxiety and stress. My example of unwavering strength and determination is my mother. When she falls, stumbles or gets side track, I have never seen her buckle under stress. NEVER. Whether it’s in the middle of the night and she is on her knees praying to God, or she is working overtime three days straight to pay the bills and provide, she is a one woman army.
I am my mother’s daughter. I have survived and thrived on my own. I’m not used to being helped and I have grown accustomed to not even asking. Living in another city away from family and friends has given me a new sense of independence as well as a reality check. My circles of confidants are VERY small and my luck, they don’t live close. Nothing like asking for help and being turned down, it cuts worse than just staying quiet.
So how do I destress? I run.
Last night, I ran my fastest two miles and I didn’t want to stop. My head was pounding, heart was racing and yet a solution could not be found. If I did this and minimized that and turned here, and follow here…maybe, just maybe I would find an answer; yet none came to me. Only thing I could do was go to the Lord in prayer. I don’t know how he was going to do it but I believed that my prayers won’t be in vain. So all I can do is breath and wait….
How do you handle stress?